I sincerely wish I could send a memo to my biology that actually, we have invented contraception, so it’s cool now. See this IUD? Back off, and give me back my sex drive.
I will never stop feeling grateful that I was able to establish a breastfeeding relationship with my baby. We had a rough first couple of weeks, but eventually got settled into our rhythm, and it became a (mostly) convenient and lovely part of motherhood.
But man . . . the hormones. You see, evolution helpfully steps in and suppresses your libido when you are breastfeeding. One kid at a time, we are warned biologically — let’s make sure this one lives to carry on the family genes. No more hanky-panky that might create another needy creature.
I sincerely wish I could send a memo to my biology that actually, we have invented contraception, so it’s cool now. See this IUD? Back off, and give me back my sex drive.
But nope. My body is diligently keeping me available for this baby by shutting down the part of my brain that usually wants to jump my husband. I can intellectually recall wanting sex — it just feels like this really foreign concept now.
And that is sad news for him, and many other new fathers and partners. It has the potential to create a LOT of conflict in marriages. The motherhood forums are filled with pleas for advice on missing libidos. It’s not just that we’re tired (although we are). It’s not just being ‘touched out’ by the end of the day, or worrying about being interrupted, or any of the very valid problems that husbands (and wives) try to solve in an effort to get their sex lives back. It’s just . . . biology. And it sucks.
It also makes me feel like I’m choosing my baby over my husband every month I choose not to wean her, and that’s not a great position to be put in. I don’t have a set plan or schedule for weaning, but I’d be lying if I said this wasn’t a factor in that decision. I want to want to have sex again.
In the meantime, I’ll use whatever tools I have at my disposal — and no, they don’t run on batteries. I remember reading one forum thread in which a mother bluntly said that a couple glasses of wine helped her get in the mood, and if that’s what took, that’s what it took. Would I normally want to rely on getting tipsy just to have sex? No way. But if a little alcohol will help compensate for a temporary biological setback, I find no shame in using it until my body is back to normal. It’s getting me to a place I want to go.
The other solution we have is perhaps less universal. My husband and I are polyamorous, meaning we have an open marriage in which we date other people. I can’t tell you how much of a relief it has been to know he has other outlets for sex. While many new moms put huge amounts of pressure on themselves to ‘perform’ even if not in the mood, I can rest easy knowing that I am not solely responsible for my husband’s sex life. You want to have sex? Have fun. Don’t wake me up when you get home. No arguments, no resentment, no “faking it” — just honest communication and everyone getting what they want.
For the most part, of course, what I really want is my old sex drive. Until I’m ready to give up breastfeeding my little one, though, I will settle for the occasional tipsy fling and waving my husband off on his dates.
